There was a guy who was invited over to celebrate Tết (Lunar New Year); Celebrating Tết involves sticky rice cakes, ginger candies, pickled leeks, non-alcoholic beer, and all that. Yes, please. But the hostess didn’t practice the Quan Yin Method, so she was kind of stingy. She was saving her money to travel. Therefore, she treated the guest, but only halfway. So the guy didn’t have enough to eat, but he just sat there, not daring to say anything. And then the hostess was politely trying to get the guest to leave. “Oh, have you finished eating? Ah, you are all done. Ah, I have business to attend to, so I will see you next time. We will invite you again when we have another occasion.” Then the guy said, “So why don’t you just invite me right now?” He was still hungry.
There was a policeman who brought a monkey(-person) in to see his chief. The chief said, “What kind of monkey business are you doing?” The subordinate said, “This monkey(-person) was wandering out on the street, and he didn’t know any regulations, so I brought him in to punish him.” So the chief said, “Oh, my God, why are you so stupid! If you catch a monkey(-person), you take him to the zoo. Why bring him here? What for? Take him to the zoo now.” So the subordinate took the monkey(-person) out. Three or four days later, the chief saw that policeman and the monkey(-person) holding hands, walking to a police car. He opened the door for the monkey(-person) to get in and was about to drive away. The chief hurriedly ran out and asked, “My God! Why do you still have that monkey(-person) here? I told you to take him to the zoo, so why is the monkey(-person) still here?” The policeman said, “Yes, I did. I took the monkey(-person) to the zoo already. Today, I plan to take him to the movies.”
There was a congressman who stood there and talked non-stop. Suddenly, a baby girl cried out loud. Her mom carried her outside, and the congressman wanted to show that he was a family man. He ran over, tapped on the mother’s shoulder, and told her, “It’s alright. She isn’t bothering me at all.” And the mother said, “But you bothered her; that’s why she is crying.” Even the baby couldn’t stand his talking!
And that really happened. One day, when I was still in England, I visited a family that had a little kid. Every time the woman neighbor came to visit this neighbor, she talked… oh… her saliva flew all over the place, and her voice was so loud. I don’t know if she was deaf or not, but she talked so, so loud. And every time she just talked for a while, the kid started crying… oh, so loudly, crying his heart out. And when the kid cried, this neighbor woman embraced the kid and comforted him. The louder she tried to comfort the kid, the louder the kid cried; he couldn’t stand it.
That’s why sometimes we want to do something good, but we are not capable enough, or we are not worthy, or we are not suitable, well then, we should retreat. Don’t be like that neighbor woman; the more she comforted the kid, the louder he cried. Because she talked so loudly, the kid was shocked, he was scared. And I was standing there and kept quiet, didn’t dare to say anything. I wanted to tell her that it was because of her loud mouth, and she should just go home. But it was not my business, so I could not say it. But the house owner, she also knew, and she tried to avoid that neighbor woman as much as possible. Then the neighbor woman said, “Oh, so strange, I treat you so nicely, how come you always try to avoid me?” I knew the reason, but I didn’t say. What for?
There was a guy. We talk about monkey business again. In a classroom, the teacher taught the students that our ancestors were Adam and Eve. Then little Tèo raised his hand and said, “Dear teacher, my father taught me differently.” The teacher said, “What did he teach you?” “My father said our ancestors were monkey(-people).” OK, just say that. So the teacher said, “That is your family’s private business. It’s irrelevant.”
That guy went to buy a birthday (vegan) cake for his wife. So whenever we buy a birthday cake, the vendor often packs some small candles inside. This year, he went there to buy a (vegan) cake again. The lady seller asked, “This year, is it your wife you are buying the cake for? Is this cake for your wife?” The guy said, “Yes, yes. It’s my wife’s birthday.” She asked, “So, this year, how many candles do you want?” The guy answered, “Why do you keep asking me this question? It’s always 30 candles. It’s always 30 candles, every year. Why keep asking?” When you buy a cake for your wife, don’t count the age, understand? Thirty is the maximum. You can buy it every year, no problem. But only buy 30 candles. You don’t understand anything? How come you’re so dense? If so dense, then I give up. Never mind, let the neighbor explain to you. When they have the inspiration, they will explain it to you.
OK. One guy went to court to divorce his wife. Then the judge asked, “Why do you want to divorce your wife? What is the reason?” So the guy said, “She goes out all day all night. Two, three o’clock in the morning, she still wanders in those nightclubs, the bars, and all that. I can’t bear it anymore.” The judge asked, “Why does she go to those places?” The guy said, “To look for me!”
A kid went to a policeman and reported, “Dear policeman, please come to my father’s rescue. Someone is beating my dad.” The policeman ran there, and saw two men were fighting each other fiercely. They fought so violently, and their faces were all swollen up, black and blue. The policeman asked, “Who is your father?” The boy said, “I don’t know either, that’s why they were fighting.” Billy, why do you understand so well, laughing so much?
Two friends met on the street. They confided to each other their stories, and one of them asked, “The other day, you talked about your lover who was going to get married. What is happening now?” This guy said, “OK, OK, OK, now I have to go, I am so busy. Don’t mention that anymore. When you mention that, I remember that I have errands to take care of.” His friend said, “Oh, please tell me. What happened to your lover? Is she married yet?” This guy said, “Yes! She’s married already. That’s why I am very busy now.” The friend asked, “She got married; why are you so busy?” “Because I married her, so I have to work a lot.” This is for the ones who want to get married to think twice. But not all women are like that, right? Every man has the same hope, but later… Many are disappointed.
There was a guy who went to a village to complain to the village chief, saying, “The kids from your village need to be disciplined well, because they throw things at the tourist cars all the time. My car was pelted badly.” So the village chief asked, “Did they break your car windshield?” The guy answered, “No, not yet. They just made scratches here and there, and marks on the car paint.” The village chief said, “So that was not the kids from my village. If it were the kids from my village, your windshield would be broken already!”
There were two guys who went to the jungle to hunt for a tiger(-person). During the hunt, they heard the roar from the tiger(-person), and it was coming closer. These guys were very experienced. Hearing the vibration on the ground, they knew how far away the tiger(-person) was and the direction of its coming. These two guys said, “Oh, we are doomed, he knows where we are. Because we forgot, we are standing upwind, and now he is coming. OK, we are going to die sooner or later.” One guy heard that and he stood there warming up his limbs vigorously. The other guy asked, “What are you doing? We are going to die sooner or later, so why do exercises?” This guy said, “I am warming up so my legs can run fast.” That guy said: “How can you run faster than a tiger(-person)? You can’t escape a tiger(-person). No way. You can’t run faster than a tiger(-person).” This guy said, “No, I just need to run faster than you, and that will be enough.”
There was a guy in a circus. He was a laborer for this circus. He washes the bathrooms, bathes the elephant-, the horse(-people), and all that. One day, the elephant(-person) just dropped dead. The guy sat next to the dead elephant(-person), cried and looked miserable. A passer-by asked him: “My God! You love the elephant(-person) that much? Well, he died already. We are going to buy another one. Because your crying can’t make him live again.” So that guy said, “Why do I love that elephant(-person)? My boss forces me to dig a big hole to bury this big elephant(-person).” He can’t dig that big a hole. Too tired! Too tired, can’t dig a big hole.
There was a guy; a robber broke into his house. The robber pointed the gun to his head and told him to take all the money out. This guy said, “To be honest with you, the economy nowadays is so bad. My company is about to go bankrupt. That’s why I don’t have anything to give you. Now even if you shoot me, it doesn’t help anything. You know it. Now everywhere, the economy has collapsed, not only my company. It just looks that way on the outside, but in reality, we don’t have any money, and are heavily in debt.” The robber also sighed, said, “That is correct! It is true. These days, every house I’ve gone to rob has been the same; they have nothing. So you see my gun, but I don’t even have money to buy bullets.” He couldn’t even afford to maintain a gun.
Photo Caption: “We R So Blessed Daily by All LOVING CARE!” (All what shows here are no pain)
